January 12, 2015

Resolutions of the Rich and Famous

We offer our best advice to help celebrities achieve success with their new year's resolutions. Donald Trump, we got you covered.

During this post-NYE runoff period – a time rife with good intentions, fresh starts and the inevitable speed wobbles that come with trying to change too much too quickly – we’ve been trying at Indochino HQ to help each other find ways to stick with our resolutions. From remembering to eat breakfast and go to bed on time, to clearer meeting agendas and more regular FaceTime calls with our moms, we’ve been doing a pretty bang up job. So we decided to put our helpful heads together in aid of those in even greater need than we – celebrities.

Using a framework for success outlined by the intelligent folks at the New York Times, we’ve provided some (we think) very helpful tips to the following high profile men who are striving for self-improvement in 2015.

Nick Mangold

Nick Mangold, center for the New York Jets, doesn’t need any help with his snaps or his hair, but apparently he’s not too on top of his texts. “Sometimes I forget,” he says. “I look at my phone and mean to respond but then I put the phone away and I never answer.”

The NYT recommend putting something of value on the line to ensure you follow through with your commitment. Nick, if you’re listening, here’s the plan: talk to your wife, your best friend, your coach and whoever else you forget to text most often and promise to give them $20 every time you leave them hanging. Invite them to come collecting at the end of every month until the end of the year. If the prospect of the payout doesn’t have you keeping up with your messages right away, the number of Jacksons you have to peel off at the end of January might inspire you to do better the next month.

Donald Trump

Donald Trump, possibly America’s most famous businessman, has resolved “to work hard and keep producing – maybe even like never before.” And, to be honest, we’re pretty sure Donald will have no trouble keeping his resolution. That being said, if he plans on producing his own candidacy for US President, or ownership of an NFL team, the Times says it’s important to have a concrete plan in order to see results.

To make a serious life plan, most regular folks would probably sit down with a pen and paper (or, really, a computer) and start drafting a plan of attack for achieving their goals. But Mr. Trump ain’t regular folks, so we recommend convening a task force of highly educated flunkies and charging them with the following: create a calendar of action items and milestones, working back from the deadline for success to the present day. And then delegate, delegate, delegate, obviously.

Dominique Ansel

He invented the diet smashing, insulin spiking cronut, but Dominique Ansel’s slim physique makes us think that he has no problem with self control around tasty treats. (If we made New York’s most delicious baked goods instead of suits, we’d all weigh 1,000 pounds.) So we think he should have and easy time keeping his resolution to reduce his caffeine intake.

But Ansel doesn’t stop there. He apparently also resolves to “turn my phone off for two days straight.” To which we first responded, “whoa dude, are you crazy? How will you live?” But then we calmed down and considered how one might manage to unplug completely for two whole days. Combining sacrifice with reward is another strategy for resolution success, according the Times, so we’re recommending a digital detox vacay. There are a whole group of islands, St. Vincent and the Grenadines, who are dedicated to unplugging their tourists  – they’ll take your phone from you, and even provide counselling if you are having problems with connectivity withdrawal. And they’re in the running for most beautiful place on Earth, so we’re sure Ansel will feel plenty rewarded by his time there.

Sen. Chuck Schumer

The award for our favorite resolution of 2015 goes to Dem Senator Chuck Schumer, who wants to “learn how to use Spotify so I can explore new artists and expand my music collection.” Chuck’s apparently tired of being schooled by his daughters on what’s cool and now, and wants to “turn the tables and introduce [them] to new tunes.”

Familial one-upmanship is a tradition as old as time, but we don’t recommend undertaking this new tactic alone. The NYT say that those who seek a mentor are much more likely to achieve their goals than those who go for it solo. We advise Sen. Schumer to get on the horn with Johnny Greenwood, Radiohead guitarist, experimental composer, and apparently very active Spotify user, and get his advice on getting started with the music streaming service. And, as a member of one of the biggest rock acts of the last 20 years, he’s bound to be able to make a recommendation or two on some cool new tunes to check out.


All resolutions are quoted as reported by pagesix.com.
All advice is provided for your entertainment by an infinite number of monkeys typing on an infinite number of typewriters.